Whose Line is it Anyway? is very over-used here, but oh well
by whatamidoing765
Summary: I felt like doing a parody of the funny show "Whose Line is it Anyway?" I know there is one for Dynasty Warriors in the old archives, so I decided to try and reboot it.
1. Eeeeeh

**Applause fills the large studio and the camera pans to Zhu Rong sitting at a table.**

**"Hello everyone! And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? I'm your host, Zhu Rong because the fellow said I look the most like the current host for this show." A voice is heard off-stage, "You're the closet person we have to Aisha Tyler!"**

**"Alright, then. Our four contestants are..." The camera pans to the four up on the stage.**

**"Hide yo' wife, Cao Cao! Throwing Liu Shan, Liu Bei! Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Sun Jian! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, Lu Bu!"**

**More cheers and applause filled the room. **

**"All the scenes here today are purely improvised, and the points don't matter. Our first game for today is Scenes From a Hat. The audience writes suggestions and place them in this hat and any of our four contestants can act out that scene." Zhu Rong reaches into her hat to pull out a piece of paper.**

**"Things Sima Yi could have said to his wife on his wedding night. Go." Cao Cao walks onto the stage.**

**"Your profile said you were sixteen!" **

**BZZT**

**The audience breaks out into laughter with Sima Yi donning a very embarrassed expression. "Who suggested this...?" Sima Zhao snickers when he saw Sima Yi's expression. Cao Cao walks off to have Sun Jian come on. **

**"Are you sure you're not a trap?" **

**BZZT **

**Zhu Rong laughs at that one along with the audience. Sun Jian steps down to have Lu Bu walk on.**

**"Chris Hansen is going to walk up here and say I'm on "To Catch a Predator," right?"**

**BZZT**

**This made everyone burst out laughing and made a couple fall out of their seats. He walks off to have Sun Jian go again. He puts on a confused expression.**

**"Is it too late to leave you at the altar?" **

**BZZT**

**Liu Bei walks in after Cao Cao. **

**"So... when do your boobs come in...?"**

**BZZT**

**Cao Cao runs up again.**

**"I wanted a German Shepard, not a chihuahua."**

**BZZT BZZT BZZZZZT**

**Zhu Rong presses the buzzer still laughing. "Thousand points goes to Lu Bu and Cao Cao. She pulls out another paper. **

**"Self-help videos doomed to fail." Sun Jian walks onto the stage.**

**"Coping with alcoholism with Zhang Fei." **

**BZZT**

**This made Lu Bu and Cao Cao laugh uncontrollably with Liu Bei slightly offended. Cao Cao walks up quickly after Sun Jian.**

**"Caring for your newborn with Liu Bei."**

**BZZT**

**The audience oohs at that. Liu Bei runs onto the stage with a comeback.**

**"Marriage Counseling with Cao Cao." **

**BZZT **

**The audience oohs more. Lu Bu walks onto there.**

**"Hair Growth with Dian Wei." **

**BZZT**

**Cao Cao gives him a look as the audience laughed at that one. **

**"What?" They all walk off to have Sun Jian come up again. **

**"Fighting eating disorders with Sima Shi." **

**BZZT **

**The room fills up with laughter. Lu Bu runs back up.**

**"Yoga with Cao Ren." **

**BZZT BZZT BZZZZZT Zhu Rong presses the buzzer laughing and gets out another paper. **

**"A hundred points for Cao Cao and Sun Jian. Last one. Things you could say about your weapon that may apply to your partner." Lu Bu walks up.**

**"A little too heavy for me..." **

**BZZ****T**

**The room erupts at that one and Cao Cao runs onto the stage.**

**"It gets hot during the summer months." The audience oohs suggestively.**

**BZZT**

**He walks off to have Liu Bei.**

**"It doesn't talk back."**

**BZZT**

**He walks off to have Sun Jian. He talks with a sultry voice and with a raised eyebrow.**

**"It makes lots of noise when you thrust." BZZT BZZT BZZZZT**

**Zhu Rong presses the buzzer, laughing along with the audience. "A hundred for Sun Jian. Alright, next is Props. You get into teams and you both have an interesting set of props. You have to use them in the most creative ways as possible. Liu Bei and Sun Jian are one team, while Cao Cao and Lu Bu are in the other." Liu Bei and Sun Jian walk up to two cones while Cao Cao and Lu Bu get two hats.**

**"These look familiar..."**

**"Aren't these Sima Yi's hats?" (His DW8 hats, if you're wondering.)**

**"Go!" Lu Bu gets the hats and pretends they're sinking. Cao Cao says in a dramatic voice, "My mighty ships have fallen at Chibi..." **

**BZZT.**

**The audience laughs and the camera pans over to Sun Jian and Liu Bei. They get the cones onto their heads.**

**"Mwahahaha! Imbecile! Mwahaha!"**

**"Fools! Hahaha!" BZZZT**

**A vein pops in Sima Yi's head as he saw himself being mocked. Cao Cao puts on the hat and Lu Bu pretends he is holding something. **

**"Damnit... no signal..." He puts his imaginary item near Cao Cao. "Yes! Some reception!" **

**BZZT **

**Liu Bei puts the two cones onto his chest. **

**"Is it cold in here or it is just me?" **

**BZZT**

**The audience laughs out loud. Lu Bu gets the hat and puts it near his leg to make it look like it was his foot.**

**"I used to be an adventurer like you, but I took two arrows to the knee." **

**BZZT**

**Sun Jian gets the cone and holds it over his you-know-what. **

**"Man, I shouldn't have took that entire bottle of Viagra." **

**BZZT **

**The room erupts in laughter and Zhu Rong pushes the buzzer rapidly while laughing loudly. "Hahahaha... A thousand points goes to Liu Bei and Sun Jian for their spot-on imitation of Sima Yi. Okay, next up... We have Greatest Hits. It's where one or two of you act like pitchmen for an album for a specific topic the audience gives while the other two make up and sing a song from that album. Lu Bu and Liu Bei can be the pitchmen while the last two can do the singing. And we have Zhen Ji and Cai Wenji providing the music. Go." Lu Bu sits in a chair with Liu Bei and clears his throat. **

**"We'll be right back with Peon vs. Wild in a second. First, we'd like to introduce the latest album from Koei. It's called "The Sweet Sound of Baozi." The audience laughs for a bit and Liu Bei comments, "Wow, another one? I thought they were a video game company. If they wanted to release albums, they could have just became a recording studio."**

**"That's the thing. They are kinda one since, you know, voice acting?" **

**"How many songs are in-"**

**"I'm glad you asked that, Liu Bei. 43 songs all about baozi in one giant disk." Lu Bu holds out his hands to indicate the size of the disk. "And it's made out of baozi too!" Liu Bei looks over at him funny. "Really?"**

**"I'm sorry, I had too much to drink today." The audience laughs and Lu Bu gets back on-topic. **

**"Who couldn't forget this all-time classic, "I'm Getting Sick of Baozi"?" **

**"Let's hear it." The camera pans over to Cao Cao and Sun Jian. Slow music starts to play.**

_**Oh... I'm afraid... I'm starting to regret this...**_

_**I spend days and years eating you...**_

_**Even though you look like breasts**_

_**I want to give this a rest! **_**The music starts to turn up-beat.**

_**This is not healthy**_

_**For my heart**_

_**Or my fit bod**_

_**I wish to eat...**_

_**A vegetable!**_

_**Yes... Or at least some f***ing rice!**_

_**Or they'll think they're being racist by showing us eating rice?**_

_**I swear..."**_

_**If I eat another...**_

_**I'll puke on Other!**_

**The camera pans over back over to Lu Bu and Liu Bei.**

**"Wow, that was something!"**

**"Yeah, just wait until you see "Baozi look like Boobies!" Hit it!" A fast-paced beat starts.**

**_Hey, I'm gonna tell ya a little story_**

**_It's about something I love_**

**_And no, it's not the Xiaos _**

**_Or Diao Chan's current dress_**

**_But I like baozi_**

**_And I like boobies_**

**_Baozi look like boobies so that's alright for me! _Cao Cao adds one last line with a ascending voice. **

**_But once you squeeeeeze, the baozi turns to s*bleeeep*, so I'll take boobies any daaaaay._**

**"Haha! That was an interesting one! That made me want to eat a baozi and pretending it's a woman's breast!"**

**"Yeah, you'll need that, Liu Bei. I'm aware Sun Shang Xiang has left you for a younger man." Liu Bei pretends to sob and break down.**

**"OH GOD! It's truuuue!" He continues to make sobbing noises. Lu Bu looks at the screen.**

**"And for the easy price of 9,999 gold, you too can own "The Sweet Sound of Baozi." Now back to our paid presentation, "The Guan-dy Bunch." **

**The audience applauds as the four contestants get back to their seats on stage. Zhu Rong then announces, "Okay, thousand points goes to all four of you and Lu Bu is our winner for today."**

**"I thought points didn't matter."**

**"I don't know. The funny man gave me a script and said I still have to do that." **

**Backstage...**

**"Where can I get "The Sweet Sound of Baozi"?" Takasugi stares at Sima Shi funny. "...That was fake. Here's a baozi and get out of backstage." He takes the meatbun and leaves.**

**"...Hm... This is what he meant? It's funny if you're high, but I don't know where to go with this. I think this will have at least a good run of five chapters unless people beat my behind to a pulp. Then we'll see."**

* * *

**"To Catch a Predator" was a reality show that exposed pedophiles by luring them over the internet by posing as little girls. Chris Hansen was the host and he would pop up in front of the pedophile and say to have a seat. I imagine Sima Yi accidentally getting arrested on that show because you know, he married a thirteen-year old.**

**The joke with the chihuahua part is that the name Chunhua looks like chihuahua. You get the idea.**

**What I was implying with Cao Cao and marriage counseling was that he would most likely take the wife rather than do actual counseling.**


	2. Meh

**"Welcome to another episode of "Whose Line is it Anyway? And I'm your host, Zhu Rong. And introducing our contestants:"**

**"Let it go, Cao Cao! Shaving Private Liang, Liu Bei!" **

**Liu Bei yells out,"Wait... WHAT?!"**

**"Just for Men, Sun Jian, and It's over 9000, Lu Bu! You get the drill, do random skits and points don't matter. First is Let's make a Date. It's like a dating show except the object of this game is to guess your possible dates personalities that are given by the audience. Liu Bei is the girl here."**

**"Why is it always me that's the girl?"**

**"Because you're... girly?" The three left go sit next to each other. Liu Bei goes to the end of the stage and sits on a stool there. **

**"Alright, go." Liu Bei sighs and begins to talk in a feminine voice. **

**"Contestant number one, I like Twitter and my name is... BenevolenceSexy. What is your favorite thing to do on Twitter?" The camera pans to Sun Jian with lettering under him.**

**Guo Jia teaching sex ed to kids before having a hot date**

**Sun Jian clears his throat to talk in a surly voice. "Wow, that's a rather unique name... Now, children, what that thing down your pants is what we call a penis. You use that to make babies like you. Now girls don't have that, but have a vagina. And two of you or maybe three..." The audience ohhs suggestively. **

**"Then you take that thing and her and begin wrestling. And that is how your mommy and daddy made you. Now if you'll excuse me... I have a date with the history teacher and plan to do some wrestling with her." **

**In the audience, Sima Shi and Sima Zhao put their heads into their hands. **

**"Don't remind me...u****gh... the thought of our parents..."**

**"Yeah..." Sun Jian leaves the stage to have Liu Bei respond, "If you already had a date, why were you here?" He was already gone. The audience laughs as it pans over to Cao Cao. Liu Bei starts, "Contestant number two, I love vacations. Where would you take me on vacation?" Cao Cao clears his throat as lettering appears below him.**

**Perverted game show host describing prizes **

**"I would take you on a trip tooo the Baaaahamas! And I'll be sure to Bahama you after we get there! All of this is worth 16,987 dollars!" The audience laughs out loudly.**

**"Back to you, gorgeous!" Liu Bei pretends to be flattered as he was kind of disgusted with Cao Cao "flirting" with him. **

**"Oh, my. You're such a charmer! Contestant number three, I have kids. What would you do if they kick you in the shin?" Lettering appears under Lu Bu.**

**Sima Yi tied to a bomb and has to make up a joke that makes everyone laugh or the bomb will explode **

**Zhu Rong comments, "Wow... that's so... specific..." Lu Bu pretends to have his hands tied together and pretends to look nervous. "Hahaha... Well... um... uh... kids? What do you call Zhao?" Liu Bei responds, "I don't know, what?"**

**"A mistake." The audience had some laughing except Sima Zhao himself. Lu Bu makes a fake tick noise and does a Sima Yi impression. **

**"That wasn't funny?! What do I look like, a comedian?! If you want comedy, go to Shu and watch their imbecilic generals be imbeciles!" Liu Bei gets offended by that one and pouts. "So, contestant number one, what is your hobby?" He then realizes Sun Jian went off the stage. As he was about to say something else again, Sun Jian walks back onto the stage and sits at his stool.**

**"I'm back! Let's just say my date DID NOT go well... Now children, do you know what happens when you have no woman to wrestle with? You can recreate a woman's private part by just using your hand." The audience ohhs at the innuendo and laughs. **

**"Wow... that's nice... but I can't do that since I'm a woman. So... contestant number two, I like chocolate ice cream, what's your favorite flavor?" **

**"You have won a lifetime supply of vanilla ice cream worth up to 13,765 dollars!"**

**"But that's not my favorite flavor..."**

**"No, silly! That's my favorite flavor! Because that's what the bedspread will look like after you go out me to the Baaahamas! Worth to up 16,987 dollars!" The audience laughs out loud and some whistled because of the innuendo suggested. **

**"Back to you, gorgeous!" Liu Bei shudders at what Cao Cao has just suggested. "Okay... contestant number 3, I love dogs. What's your favorite animal?" Lu Bu continues the Sima Yi impression while being nervous-looking.**

**"Uh...uh... What do you call a chihuahua with both bark and bite?"**

**"What?"**

**"My wife! Hahaha... ha...ha... Don't tell her I said that." The audience laughs loudly and Zhu Rong presses the buzzer. "Ok, Liu Bei, can you guess what each of these three were?"****  
**

**"Um... Sun Jian was a blunt sex ed teacher?"**

**"Close. He was Guo Jia teaching sex ed to kids before a hot date. But I'm pretty sure they're the same thing though."**

**"Cao Cao was a creepy game show host."**

**"Yes, close. It was perverted game show host. But I guess Cao Cao lead you towards creepy."**

**"And Lu Bu was Sima Yi being a bad comedian with a bomb tied to him."**

**"Yes, kind of like that. Thousand points goes to Lu Bu for that nice chihuahua joke about Zhang Chunhua. Oh my, the names do sound the same. Next up is Props. You get into two teams and are given a set of props to use in many creative ways as possible. Lu Bu and Sun Jian are one team, Liu Bei and Cao Cao for the other." Lu Bu and Sun Jian are given two inflated circles. Cao Cao and Liu Bei were given two pear-shaped foam things. **

**"Alright, go." Lu Bu puts the two circles and puts them on his eyes. Sun Jian yells out, "You're a wizard, Harry!" **

**BZZT**

**Cao Cao puts the two pear things onto his chest. Liu Bei comments, "So, that's what Lian Shi would look like if she did age..."**

**BZZT**

**Sun Jian puts the two circles onto his wrists. "I'm Nehza."**

**BZZT**

**Liu Bei and Cao Cao put the pear shaped things onto their heads. **

**"Mwahahah! I have a new type of hat!"**

**"Imbecile! Mwahaha!"**

**BZZT **

**Sima Yi yells from his seat, "Stop with the me jokes!"**

**"They're always funny!"**

**Lu Bu and Sun Jian put their faces into the circle prop's middle. **

**"Wah! Wah!"**

**"Feed me!"**

**BZZT**

**Cao Cao puts the two pear things under his private area. Liu Bei comments, "Did you use that Japanese penis enlarger along with a shot of testostorome?" **

**BZZT BZZT BZZZZZT **

**Zhu Rong laughs loudly and she takes out a hat. "Next is Scenes from a Hat. Using suggestions from the audience, you have to act out skits based on what I pull out. She reaches into the hat to pull out a piece of paper. "Unlikely shows for Zhou Tai to appear in." Sun Jian walks up to talk in a quiet deep voice.**

**"Would you accept this rose?"  
**

**BZZT**

**Cao Cao walks up after Sun Jian. **

**"350 for the sliverware set."**

**BZZT**

**Liu Bei walks up.**

**"Shut up, Meg."**

**BZZT**

**Lu Bu walks up. **

**"You are not America's next top model."**

**BZZT**

**Sun Jian goes back up, "I'm going to be Hokage."**

**BZZT Zhu Rong takes out another paper. "Bad things to say to your wife but not to your dog." Cao Cao walks up snickering and manages to say out, "Hey, want to lick some peanut butter off my thingy?" **

**BZZT **

**The audience gasps and laughs loudly. Zhu Rong had her mouth wide open of what she just heard. "Um... I guess... that's valid. Nevermind, move to the next person." Lu Bu walks up after Cao Cao who was snickering about what he just said back up there.**

**"You want to eat that old meatloaf?" **

**BZZT **

**He walks off to have Sun Jian. **

**"You look fat." **

**BZZT**

**He walks off to have Liu Bei.**

**"I touched myself to our neighbor's picture." **

**BZZT BZZZZZT **

**The audience yells out before laughing loudly and Zhu Rong presses the buzzer laughing. "Last one. Three Kingdoms themed pick up lines." Lu Bu walks up. **

**"Hey, want my Sky Piercer in you?"**

**BZZT **

**Cao Cao goes up.**

**"If you don't like Cao Pi, there's always me." **

**BZZT Sun Jian walks up.**

**"Want to know why I'm called the Tiger of Jiangdong?" **

**BZZT **

**Liu Bei goes up.**

**"I have a braindead baby, want to make another with me?"**

**BZZT Lu Bu goes back up.**

**"Want to go on my Great Wall of China?"**

**BZZT BZZZZZZT Zhu Rong announces, "That's all we have for today! Tune in next time!"**

* * *

**"I'm still thinking about the chihuahua joke. I'm wondering, can Zhang Chunhua beat Lu Bu up?"**

**"...That's... I don't think so..."**

**"He did just called her a chihuahua."**

**"I mean... will she even survive-"**

**BAM**

**BAM**

**POW**

**AAAAHHHHH! Why are you hitting me?! Hit your husband! He made up the joke first!**

**"Oh. Um... I have no words."**

**"Did Sima Yi actually make up that joke?"**

**"No. Lu Bu's just pinning it on him. You know Sima Yi is bad at comedy."**

**"Well... it looks like we are going to have to find someone to stand in for Lu Bu next episode." **


	3. My favorite one now

**Takasugi asked, "Okay, who can we use as a stand-in for Lu Bu?" Izuru answered, ****"How about a female? The show featured female comedians."**

**"Name a DW girl or woman that's funny."**

**"...Um... uh... Does Yue Ying's bad puns and jokes work?"**

**"Since when did she do that?"**

**"There was this YouTube video and... nevermind. I don't really know if she's funny or not."**

**"We need someone we won't gouge our eyes at the thought of being humorous."**

**"So any DW younger woman."**

**"Hold on, I'm thinking towards Guan Yinping, Sun Shang Xiang, or- Can we just use Zhu Rong?"  
**

**"She's the host. Do you see Aisha Tyler getting onto the stage and doing the skits there?"**

**"Fine. Um... You know what, get the hat." **

* * *

**Applause filled the room as it pans over to Zhu Rong. "Welcome everyone to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"! I'm your host, Zhu Rong." The camera pans over to the four contestants on the stage. **

**"They see me rollin', Cao Cao! Forever Alone, Liu Bei!"**

**"What? Why are you giving me these-"**

**"Silver Linings Playbook, Sun Jian! And standing in for Lu Bu is Snowboard Supercross, Sun Shang Xiang!"**

**"You all know how the game works. This show is purely improvised and points don't matter, yet I'm supposed to give them out."**

**"You didn't last chapter."**

**"Yes, I forgot. The game we're playing today is Living Scenery and it's for all four of our contestants!" The audience applauds as the four go up onto the front of the stage. **

**"Alright, this game is where two of you use props for a certain scene, but we don't have any props so you're going to use Cao Cao and Sun Jian as them. SSX and Liu Bei will be playing a couple that is traveling over the world in many different transportation devices. Oh, Liu Bei is the woman just to make this a little more funny."**

**"What...? Why-"**

**"Get to it." Liu Bei sighs and begins to talk in a feminine voice. "Honey, let's travel the world!" SSX talks in a deep voice, "Why yes, I think we should start riding horses across China."**

**"But wouldn't they have ate the horses by now?"**

**"Oh, look, there are some now." Cao Cao and Sun Jian got on all fours and acted like horses. **

**"I'll take this one. It reminds me so much of my father." SSX gets on Sun Jian's back while Liu Bei looks over to Cao Cao. **

**"...And I'll take this one..." He gets on Cao Cao. "Oh, look, it has handlebars." Liu Bei grabs onto the spikes coming out of Cao Cao's hair. **

**"No, silly! That's a motorcycle! It just has a horse painted onto the side!"**

**"Let me see if I can get this worked up." He turns the spikes, and Cao Cao winces. **

**"Easy on the hair! You'll rip it out!"**

**"Oh, it's working! I can hear its roar!" **

**"Wow, you can really still see the Great Wall even when you're leaving."**

**"That's just China compensating for something if you know what I mean."**

**"Okay, we can stop here. Oh look, a magic carpet!" Cao Cao lies on the ground flat on his stomach. The two "sat" on him. **

**"Fly, magic steed!" Cao Cao moves while trying to keep his stomach onto the ground. He ends up looking more like a worm.**

**"Oh no! A sand dune! Fly over that!" Sun Jian goes to get on his knees and to slightly curl up in front of the three. Cao Cao tries to remain flat as he crawls over Sun Jian with Liu Bei and Shang Xiang on his back. Cao Cao plops back down when he got over the "sand dune."**

**"Okay, let's take a look around here." The two get off of Cao Cao and pretend to be looking around. Cao Cao and Sun Jian get up and Cao Cao gets on Sun Jian's shoulders and they try to lean a few inches without losing balance.**

**"Wow, the Leaning Tower of Pisa DOES look like one of Sima Yi's hats."**

**"He DID have a Leaning Tower of Pisa hat. Remember Kessen 2?" Many veins pop on Sima Yi's head. He gets up and is about to run up to the stage until two stagehands grab him and pull him backstage. **

* * *

**"I demand you people stop making fun of my hats!" Takasugi walks up to him. "Yeeeah... I wrote all of those hat jokes... That's the only part that isn't improvised, to be honest."**

**"Why?!"**

**"Hat jokes are just something I do to annoy you. Have you considered to stop wearing them?"**

**"..."**

**"Okay, let me see your hat." He picks Sima Yi's hat off and takes it.**

**"Hey! Where are you-"**

**"I just need it for a bit." Takasugi sets the hat on top of a television. **

**"Come on, I want to watch Gintama!" The screen comes to life with colorful clear images. "Yay!" He sits on a chair with a bag of Cheetos. "Oh, can you guys tape him to a chair? I don't want him disturbing the show. Here and out there." The two stagehands hold up two rolls of duct tape and started to quickly cover Sima Yi in duct tape.**

**"MMH!"**

**"... Haaa... I swear the historical Sima Yi is going to haunt and kill me just like Mr. Tsuyoshi Takishita if I continue to abuse DW Yi-Ooh, American actor in Japanese commercial!" **

* * *

**Sun Shang Xiang suggested in her manly voice, "We should get a closer look at the tower!" The two walk up to Cao Cao sitting on Sun Jian's shoulders. **

**"Hey, look, they have a marinara sauce dispenser on the side of the tower!" Sun Shang Xiang pretends to be pressing something near Sun Jian's private area and is holding out an imaginary plate. The audience laughs out loudly as Sun Shang Xiang pretends to eat something. **

**"Mm, I guess that's why it's called "special sauce." The audience gasps and laughs even louder. She goes back down to be press something imaginary near Sun Jian. She pretends to hold a plate to Liu Bei.**

**"Want some?" He smiles sheepishly while saying,****"No thanks." **

**BZZZT BZZT BZZZZZZT **

**Zhu Rong presses the buzzer and says while still smiling, "Alright, that's enough. Also, Sun Shang Xiang, you should be ashamed of yourself!" The audience snickers.**

**"You said to improvise. I did."**

**"Something TV-friendly-" Zhu Rong snickers again. "Okay, okay, that's fine. 500 points goes to Liu Bei and Sun Shang Xiang for the crossgendered voices and 500 points for Sun Jian for being such a good sport after all of this. Next up is Scenes from a Hat, you guys get the drill. Skit from card I pull out of this hat." She pulls out Pang Tong's hat and takes a piece of paper. **

**"Kingdom guidelines that allowed everyone to be in that kingdom. Please something TV-friendly." Cao Cao goes up with a smirk.**

**"Suck a Sima's *bleep* to be in Jin." The audience breaks down in laughter and Zhu Rong has her mouth wide open in shock. **

**"I said TV-friendly!"**

**"It's going to be bleeped anyway." Zhu Rong is about to say something else but covers her face because she was still laughing and snickering.**

**BZZT**

**Sun Jian goes up, "Suck Cao Cao's *bleep* to be in Wei." **

**BZZT**

**He walks off to have Liu Bei. **

**"Have any experience with using or making fire to be in Wu." **

**BZZT**

**He walks off to have Sun Shang Xiang. "Be a total *bleep*head and still be the hero ****to be in Shu."**

**BZZT**

**She walks off and Cao Cao goes back up. "Be important for one stage to in Other." **

**BZZT**

** He walks off to have Liu Bei again. "Have any relation to a Sima makes you important in Jin."**

**BZZT BZZT BZZZT **

**Zhu Rong takes out another paper. "Sima Shi's and Sima Zhao's possible reactions when they walk in on their parents having hanky-panky... What's with the audience suggesting very long skit descriptions? Oh well." Sun Jian goes up and crosses his arms with an approving face.**

**"Oh, don't mind us, keep going..." **

**BZZT **

**Sun Jian walks off to have Sun Shang Xiang. **

**"I have a very confusing boner right now."**

**BZZT **

**She goes off to have Cao Cao. He talks in a sing-song voice, "Any room for two more?" The audience gasps and laughs hysterically and Cao Cao then laughs himself. Zhu Rong looks at Cao Cao in shock. "You know you're talking about CHILDREN walking in on their PARENTS?"**

**"I'm sorry, ha, I'm sorry... I couldn't pass that up! Hahaha! I'm sorry!" Zhu Rong presses the buzzer. Cao Cao walks off to have Liu Bei.**

**"This is SO not wrestling..." **

**BZZT**

**Sun Jian goes back up. **

**"Ugh, and I thought Cao Pi and Zhen Ji were kinky..."**

**BZZT BZZZZZT**

**Zhu Rong takes out another card, "Last one. Chinese rank names no one would want to be promoted to." Sun Jian goes up, "The General Who Washes Dong Zhou's *bleep*." **

**BZZT**

**Sun Shang Xiang goes up, "General Who Cleans the Bathroom." **

**BZZT**

**She goes off to have Cao Cao. "General of Gayness. " **

**BZZT**

**Liu Bei goes up. "The Commander Who Oversees the Baozi."**

**BZZT**

**Cao Cao goes back up. "The One Who Washes Liu Bei's Ears."**

**BZZT BZZZT **

**Zhu Rong puts away the hat. "Thousand points for all of you because I can't decide! Our last game for today is "Film Dub." We get a film clip and take out the dialogue and our contestants are to do the dialogue. For today, we are using a DW cutscene. This scene is when you first play Jin's story in DW8 and it's before Wu Zhang Plains."**

**The four get up from their seats and kneel before a TV. The TV plays the DW8 Jin cutscene.**

**(This may be better if you can open the actual cutscene.) **

***Scene of Sima Zhao lying down and look at stars***

**Sun Jian: Staaaaaaarsssssss. Ooh, a shooty star! I'm foreshadowing!**

***Camera moves up to Sima Yi and Sima Shi* **

**Cao Cao: I have no idea what I'm looking at.**

**Liu Bei: I'm going to look in the same direction you're looking at.**

**Cao Cao: I'm bored. Zhuge Liang's dead, so everything's boring.**

***Zhao getting up***

**Sun Jian: Jackie Chan backflip! This night is lovely, why are you looking over there? Also, Father, you have a new hat.**

**Cao Cao: Oh my, you noticed? I have just gotten at- Aaaaahhh, wait a minute!**

***Zhao scratching his head* **

**Cao Cao: Stop scratching, you're getting dandruff all over your brother.**

**Sun Jian: Eeeeeeeeh.**

**Liu Bei: I have no lines for the remainder of this scene.**

**SSX: Hello.**

***Camera shifts to Zhang Chunhua***

**SSX: Admit it, you're gay for your now-dead rival. Saves me trouble for finding out. I'm getting this horse and your house as part of the divorce.**

***Shot of Sima Yi having that surprise face***

**Cao Cao: DAMN YOU HAVE NICE BOOBS!**

**SSX: You paid for these.**

***Sima Yi nodding***

**Cao Cao: You're damn right I did.**

**Sun Jian: We're staring at our mom's boobs. Nothing wrong with that.**

**Liu Bei: Staaaaaare.**

***Sima Yi walking to his horse***

**Cao Cao: I'm going to a strip club, so don't wait up. This is for men only, so Shi and Zhao can come too if they want to become real men. I'm still walking. Damn, I walk slow. Still walking.**

***Him getting on the horse***

**Cao Cao: Theeeeere. I get on the horse slowly now. There we go.**

***The rest of them getting on the horses***

**Cao Cao: Sweet, I didn't know Chunhua was a stripper. Why else would she follow me to the club?**

**Sun Jian: Yay, Mom's a stripper!**

**Liu Bei: Part of background.**

***All of them riding to the battlefield***

**Cao Cao: Let's go! I'm the only one who can bypass the no touching policy ****since you mom's one of the strippers!**

**Sun Jian: Awwwwww!**

**Liu Bei: Yay, boobs.**

**SSX: I thought you were gay.**

**Cao Cao: If I were gay, I wouldn't have paid for those boobs then!**

**Zhu Rong presses the buzzer while the audience and her are laughing.**

**"Thousand points to Cao Cao for making Sima Yi seem like a perv now. Thus making Cao Cao the winner here. That's all for today, folks! Tune in next time!"**

* * *

**Takasugi looks at a duct tape mummy of Sima Yi. **

**"You still breathing?"**

**"Mm mmmh mmo..." (I hate you.) Takasugi says sarcastically,**** "Awww... And I love you too."**


	4. Scratch that, this one

**Takasugi pulls a few papers out a hat.**

**"Jia Chong." He looks around and crumples that paper. "No, no-ha-no. He prefers black comedy." He pulls out another after he threw that paper over his shoulder.**

**"Li Dian. He's funny I guess." He puts his hand in the hat again. **

**"Sun Ce. Yeah, I guess he's funny." He reaches into the hat one more time.**

**"Sima Shi. Why is he in this? No. I'm done here." He crumples that paper and throws it away.**

* * *

**The camera pans all around the peon audience and to Zhu Rong, "Welcome everybody and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?" The camera pans to the front of the stage. **

**"Breaking Bad, Cao Cao! Breaking your neck, Lu Bu! Breaking his spine, Li Dian! And Breaking your ribs, Sun Ce!"**

**"And I'm your host, Zhu Rong. This show is purely improvised and points don't matter, so why do I still give them out?"**

**The audience and the contestants snicker. **

**"Alright, our first game is... Irish Drinking Song and it's for all four of our contestants!" The contestants get up from their chairs and walks up to the front of the stage. **

**"In this game, the audience suggests something for you guys to sing as an Irish drinking song. So, what will it be?" She turns to the audience. A mix of suggestions filled the room. She then turns back to the stage.**

**"Fanfiction." She covers her face in amusement to the suggestion. " Alright, take it away." **

**A piano tune is heard and the group begins to sing. **

**"Oooooh, hidey-didey-didey-didey-didey-didey-die!"**

**Cao Cao: Oh, I hate this**

**Lu Bu: Very awful indeed**

**Li Dian: Crappy writers **

**Sun Ce: Making me doing Cao Pi **

**Cao Cao: Lemons**

**Lu Bu: Unrealistic made-up characters**

**Li Dian: Mary Sues **

**Sun Ce: I swear I'm getting tumors!**

**"Ooooh, hidey-didey-didey-didey-didey-didey-die!"**

**Lu Bu: How do people stand this?**

**Li Dian: It's not even romantic**

**Sun Ce: It's just like bad porn**

**Cao Cao: Only without the graphics**

**Lu Bu: What are these people thinking?**

**Li Dian: I've seen more crap than in a toilet**

**Sun Ce: This is ruining our image**

**Cao Cao: These people should not be allowed Internet!**

**"Oooh, hidey-didey-didey-didey-didey-didey-die!"**

**Li Dian: There are more stories of us**

**Sun Ce: Doing guys more than gals**

**Cao Cao: I don't understand why it's popular**

**Lu Bu: Please, we're all just pals**

**Li Dian: It's ironic**

**Sun Ce: We're on Fanfiction right now**

**Cao Cao: Take note, people**

**Lu Bu: I want to eat some cow!**

**"Oooh, hidey-didey-didey-didey-didey-didey-didey-die!"**

**Sun Ce: Please stop**

**Cao Cao: Think of the children**

**Lu Bu: Or at least warn us**

**Li Dian: And we'll stay away from this until then**

**Sun Ce: Shame on whoever created this**

**Cao Cao: But this is where we're having this story**

**Lu Bu: Then at least make me appear**

**Li Dian: In a giant women orgy!**

**"Oooooh, hidey-didey-" The group begins to fall apart laughing while still trying sing the last verses. They then manage to get the last verses out and sat back their seats. Zhu Rong laughs and manages to say, "I'm not sure whether or not that last part should have been censored."**

**"It was spoken, you can't take that back now."**

**"Okay, Lu Bu, why did you say "I want to eat some cow"?"**

**"I couldn't find anything else that rhymes with now that made more sense."**

**"500 points goes to all four of you for insulting the entire Fanfiction community. Extra fifty points for Li Dian for his suggestive vocabulary. Next up is Weird Newscasters. One of you guys will perform normally as a lead anchor while the other three are co-anchors with odd personalities. Cao Cao will be the lead anchor, Li Dian is the co-host, Sun Ce is the sports anchor and Lu Bu is the weather anchor." **

**Cao Cao and Li Dian get up and get two stools to sit on while Lu Bu and Sun Ce stand on other sides of the stage nearby the two sitting in the middle. Sun Ce, Li Dian, and Lu Bu get papers that have their personalities. **

**"Go."**

**Cao Cao starts off, "Welcome to Channel 56's news station, I'm your host, Cao Cao."**

**Letters appear under Li Dian.**

**Constipated Xiahou Dun in a bathroom with no toilet paper **

**Li Dian makes many constipated faces while grunting.****"ANNND-NNRRRRGH-I'm... your co-hOST, Xia... GAH!-hou Dun! Aaaah!"**

**"You alright, Xiahou Dun?"**

**"I'M...GRRRRRR! FINE! Gah! Why did I eat that week-old baozi?! GAAAAAH!"**

**"In breaking news, a peon is found dead in a wine jar. Police are working to investigate this gruesome death. Dun, do you have something?"**

**"NAAAAARRGH! Aaaaah! What the-?" Li Dian pretends to be looking over at something. ****"There's no toilet paper! Get me some now!"**

**"Breaking news, Xiahou Dun needs toilet paper. We'll be back with that story after sports." The camera pans over to Sun Ce. **

**Xu Shu having a bad anxiety attack**

**Sun Ce talks with a bad stutter and is sweeping his head very nervously.**

**"Um, um, um... Thanks, Cao...um... Cao. In sports... um... um... K-K-Kaepernick scored f-five points and st-still is in h-h-hot water since the incident with th-th-the n-n-naked woman. Oh god! I can't do this!" Sun Ce falls down sobbing and trembling. Cao Cao then says,"Okay, that's it for sports. Now back to out breaking news story. Xiahou Dun, what's the situation?"**

**"NNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRGHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I have just taken a large poop! AND I NEED TOILET PAPER!"**

**"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?."**

**"NNNNNRRRRGH! ANOTHER ONE! Just get me some toilet paper NOW!"**

**"Alright, now on to weather." The camera pans to Lu Bu. **

**Sima Zhao stoned and has just watched Frozen in that state**

**Lu Bu begins talking slowly and snickers every few words. **

**"Now in the...Haaaaa hahaha... eeeeast... Elsa ran off and made it sooooooo... hahaha... cooold... ****Leeet it goooo... Leeeet it gooo... Let the cold goooo... Elsa, come baaaack! Anna loves you, can't you see?! Hans was bad!" He breaks down in tears. "He was bad! Uhhahwahuhuwaaaaa! Disney, you did it again! Unhahawaaa!" Cao Cao says,"Thank you, now back to Xiahou Dun's condition. Xiahou Dun, what seems to be the problem?"**

**"I NEED TOILET PAPER AND I'M DYING HERE! NRRRRRRRRRRAGH!"**

**"Oh, that sounds bad. Need toilet paper?"**

**"That's what I just asked for!"**

**"Don't stay in the bathroom so long, or you'll lose your news position if you're not present here with me." **

**"AAAAH! I think I pooped out my heart!"**

**"That's it for today, thanks for watching Channel 56 news." The audience applauds as the group return to normal and put away the chairs. Zhu Rong comments, "Wow, that was intense. 500 points for Li Dian for sacrificing his own blood vessels for the Xiahou Dun impression. Another 500 points goes to Sun Ce for making Xu Shu fangirls angry. Our last game for today is Film Dub. We take film clips and mute out the dialogue. For this one, we will use a DW cutscene. It's the one where Lu Meng, Gan Ning, and Ling Tong tried to do a surprise attack but failed due to Gan Ning and Ling Tong's arguing in DW8. It's for all four of our contestants." The four get up from their seats and go up in front of a TV.**

**(This may be funnier if you can watch the real cutscene while reading this.) **

***Lu Meng running and hides behind a tree***

**Cao Cao: Safe! **

***Him looking over***

**Cao Cao: Peons! I'm making more noise than Gan Ning's bells!**

***Ling Tong's hand on Gan Ning's shoulder***

**Li Dian: Boo.**

**Sun Ce: *bleep* off.**

**Li Dian: I said boo! At least act scared!**

**Sun Ce: You're not scary.**

**Li Dian: Oh god, it stinks!**

***Ling Tong pointing to Gan Ning's bells***

**Li Dian: Ugh! When was the last time you washed your underwear?**

**Sun Ce: Well, if you didn't hog up the bathroom, I would have washed them in the sink!**

**Li Dian: I was shaving my legs and putting on my mole, thank you very much!**

***Lu Meng hitting the two***

**Cao Cao: Falcon punch! Cut the gay crap! Gan Ning, clean your underwear in a lake! Ling Tong, you're a guy, act like it!**

**Sun Ce: I can't!**

**Cao Cao: You big baby! I'm not your mom!**

**Li Dian: But I need my mole! It makes me sexy!**

***Peons warning the base***

**Lu Bu: Aaaaah! Wu generals! Aaaaah!**

**Li Dian: Aw, *bleep***

***Lu Meng getting out from behind the tree***

**Cao Cao: I just took out my weapon out my ass! Come on, gaybos!**

***Gan Ning running in***

**Sun Ce: I too just pulled out my weapon out of my ass! ROFLcoter!**

***Ling Tong with his weapon***

**Li Dian: I just pulled these out of my non-existent boobs! I run like a girl!**

**Zhu Rong presses the buzzer. "Okay, 500 points for Sun Ce's ROFLcopter. And that makes Sun Ce the winner here. Tune in next time!"**

* * *

**Takasugi was talking to the duct tape mummy of Sima Yi. "So, how would you like to appear on-"**

**"Mh." (No.)**

**"Come on, it'll be hilarious."**

**"Mmh mh." (Still no.)**

**"You're no fun."**

**"Mh mmh mmh mh m mmh." (I don't need to be fun.)**

**"You really remind me of my father." Sima Yi manages to get a few clear words out, "I'd hate to the one that had to raise you." **

**"I rather have you as a dad than the one I had. My dad made me speak proper Japanese because he couldn't speak English and was not so bright in terms of certain things."**

**"Your father was an idiot? Makes sense for the child to be the same."**

**"Hey! He was just like your typical Asian dad! Strict and has no sense in pop culture! Just for that, I'm putting you in time-out!" He tries to pick up the mummy.**

**"Oh, forget it. You're heavy. I wonder what'll be like if you acted like typical Asian dads today. Hmm... Do you want any of your kids to be doctors?"**

**"Doctor? No."**

**"Wow, this is shocking! I have just met the first Asian dad that doesn't want his kid to be a doctor! I'm shouting this to the rooftops!" He runs outside and you hear him shouting out,****  
**

**"I HAVE MET AN ASIAN DAD THAT DOESN'T WANT HIS KID TO BE A DOCTOR!" Cars stop and people stick their heads out.**

**"Really?!"**

**"Shut the front door!"**

**"You have to be jealous of that kid who has that dad!"**

**Back inside, ****"... Well... The truth is Shi and Zhao don't have potential to be doctors... Hey! Can someone get me out of this prison?!" Sima Yi tries to stand and hops off to only hit a wall because obviously the tape is covering his eyes.**

* * *

**I looked up on Ancient Chinese doctors and it said they only get paid if they patient was well under their care. If they got sick, the doctor would have paid the patient. Maybe that's why Sima Yi didn't want his kids to be doctors. Sima Zhao would have paid millions out of his pocket for all of his screw-ups. **

**The funny thing is that my parents also want me to be a doctor. It's the most classical Asian stereotype if you ask me. **

**Don't look at me like that, you too would shout from the rooftops when you have found an Asian dad that doesn't want his kid to be a doctor.**


	5. Not my best

**"Come on, do it! We'll mosaic out your face!" Takasugi was still bothering Sima Yi (still covered in duct tape).**

**"No." He continues to hop away as a weird grey mummy.**

**"I'm not removing the tape if you don't do this."**

**"Fine by me. I can just ask my boys to do it or me."**

**"They're not here now!" He sticks his foot out in front of Sima Yi, tripping him, and he falls into a human-sized suitcase. **

**"Gah!"**

**Takasugi quickly closes the top. He flips the two clasps, locking Sima Yi inside it.**

**"Let me out!"**

**"I'm baffled on how he's still able to breathe. Oh well. Hey guys, I got you a new prop for the show!" The suitcase is moving around and thumps are heard. Then it goes still. **

* * *

**Applause fills the studio and it pans to Zhu Rong. **

**"Hello everyone and welcome to Whose Line is It Anyway? I'm your host, Zhu Rong, and today it's a little off because for some reason our normal contestants are out so we have to get some stand-ins at last minute."**

***Flashback to five minutes ago***

**Cao Cao, Sun Jian, Liu Bei, and Lu Bu all walk away from Takasugi.**

**"What? You want to what?"**

**"I heard you can relax with a pretty lady at this certain place."**

**"Cao Cao, that's a massage parlor or hostess bar. Or strip club. Which do you want?"**

**"Any one."**

**"Massage parlor then. Where are you three going?"**

**"Same thing."**

**"What? I don't even... Oh right, you're men, you have certain habits. I myself have these habits. Fine, bye, don't get hit by a car." **

***End***

**Zhu Rong also adds, "Sun Ce couldn't stand in for Sun Jian today due to injuries. So here are our contestants." The camera pans to the stage of the four people sitting in the chairs.**

**"That Awkward Moment, Li Dian! Red Cliff, Sun Quan! Seabiscuit, Ma Chao! And The Last Airbender, Sima Shi! You all know how the game works, we play various games that are purely improvised off the contestant's head and points don't matter. But that doesn't stop them from kissing up to me. Stand-in or not. Okay, our first game is Hollywood Director and it's for all four of you." The audience applause as the four get up from their seats and go up on front. **

**"In this game, Ma Chao here will be a director that constantly interrupts a scene made by our other three players. He will try to "improve" the scene every time he interrupts. The scene you three will be acting out is that Sima Shi is a Pokemon trainer that goes into battle with Li Dian, another trainer. Sun Quan is a Team Galactic goon that comes and interrupts them to steal their Pokemon, but the two trainers fight back. Go." **

**Sima Shi walks around for a bit and Li Dian goes in front of him. **

**"I have a Magikarp my dad gave me for my birthday! Let's battle!" Sun Quan gets right in between them. **

**"Not so fast! Hand over your Pokemon! Except for the Magicarp. No one wants that."**

**"Aw..."**

**"No way, Team Galactic!"**

**"Well, you two leave me no choice! Go, Glam-OOF!" Sima Shi and Li Dian go and (pretend) beat him up. Ma Chao goes in between the three. **

**"Cut, cut, cut! That was awful! Li Dian, why would you choose a Magicarp?!"**

**"It was-"**

**"Shut up. Sima Shi, you sound like a kid in a kid's show."**

**"Um..."**

**"Buh-bu-bu! Do it differently! Sima Shi, you talk in a Batman voice, Li Dian, do every thing like Samuel L. Jackson and Sun Quan, do it with Barney's voice! Action!"**

**Sima Shi walks slowly with a stone face and Li Dian runs up to him. **

**"I HAVE A MOTHER*BLEEP*ING MAGICARP! LET'S MOTHER*bleep*ING BATTLE ALREADY!" Sun Quan goes in between them by walking and talking overly happy. **

**"Hey, kids! I'll need those Pokemon you got in your hands! Sharing is caring!" Li Dian yells out, "NO MOTHER*bleep*ING WAY!"**

**Sima Shi begins to talk in a raspy voice, "I will not let you. The people of Kanto need their Magicarps."**

**"But I wanted to settle this with no fighting... Goooo, Glam-" Li Dian pretends to hold a gun at Sun Quan. "DO IT! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHER*bleep*ER!" Ma Caho interrupts the scene again, "Cut, cut! That was worse! Sun Quan, you suck as Barney! Sima Shi, you still aren't getting the Christian Bale in you. He has to be inside of you! Li Dian, that was racist. Not all black people say mother*bleep*ing. Do it again! Sima Shi, act like you're on drugs, Sun Quan, do it with a Southern accent, and Li Dian, you be Zhang Liao with a French accent. Action!" **

**Sima Shi walks in an incoordinated way and groans with each step. **

**"Nrrrgh..." Li Dian goes up to him and speaks in a French accent, "Oh-hon-hon! Care to see my might in battle?" Sun Quan gets between them and talks in a Cockney accent. **

**"Al'ight, you guys ther' give up your Pokemans. I wants some Magic-carp stew!" **

**"Le gasp!"**

**"Nrrrgh... hahaha... steeeew... Arrrgh, waaait a minute!"**

**"Weeell, you kids leave me no choice! Go, ma shotgun!" Sun Quan pretends to hold up a gun. Ma Chao again interrupts them. **

**"Crap just called, they want you back! That needed something... Drama! Do it like a Mexican soap opera!" He walks off with Li Dian running up to Sima Shi and poses dramatically along with a Spanish accent.**

**"Evening, shall we battle while the night is still young?" Sun Quan walks up to the two while clapping to a certain rhythm. **

**"Ole! I'm here to take those fish you have!" Li Dian yells out, "Ay dios mios!" Sima Shi then stands up to Sun Quan, "No. You need to back off, see."**

**"I see you are making this difficult. En garde!" Ma Chao goes between them once again.**

**"Cut! Please, I'm happy you know Spanish, but we need English right now. But this is too dramatic for a Pokemon battle. Do it like you all need to go to the bathroom." He walks off and Li Dian potty-dances as he walks up to Sima Shi. **

**"Hey, hey, let's hurry and battle so I can go to that lake!" Sun Quan walks also while potty-dancing. "Hurry and give up all of your Pokemon! I need to go after this!" **

**Sima Shi shakes as he says, "Ah! We'll never give it to you even if I have to pee my pants!"**

**"Then I'll have to let it all out on you to get them!" Sun Quan pretends to unbutton his pants and the buzzer is heard.**

**Zhu Rong presses the buzzer quickly and snickers. "I have no idea how to score this performance. One fierce point split with all four of you. Next up is Secret. It's for Li Dian and Sun Quan, come on down." The two mentioned get up from their seats and go up front.**

**"This game is that one of you has a secret item and it will be revealed at some time in the scene you two are acting out. Li Dian is Cao Pi while Sun Quan is Sima Yi. Where's the prop?" **

**A giant suitcase slides onto the stage. **

**"There we go. Start." Li Dian and Sun Quan stand on the right side of the stage and they walk to the left as they talked.**

**"Sima Yi, I will award you on your service to me and my father." **

**"What's with the sudden gesture of kindness?"  
**

**"I can't give a nice gift to my old friend?"**

**"Well, you gave me that can of snakes. Real snakes."**

**"That was something else. I wish to offer you what is in this room."**

**"Anything?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Then I take this." Sun Quan goes up to the giant suitcase and opens it to reveal a duct tape mummy.**

**"No, that's-"**

**Sun Quan hoists it up next to him. He looks at him with a weirded out face. Li Dian covers his mouth and looks around. **

**"What's this?"**

**"Nothing."**

**"This is more than nothing. It smells of dead meat."**

**"Give me that." Li Dian grabs the duct tape mummy and holds it in his arms. "It's my one treasure."**

**"What is it?"  
**

**"None of your beeswax, go take some gold and jewels and forget this happened."**

**"It's Cao Cao, right?"**

**"Phht, no." Li Dian hugs it while saying,"It's Zhen... I want to preserve her until I perish as well..."**

**"Oh... I've always knew you weren't right in the head... I'm going to go..." **

**"My preeeeeecccccious..."**

**"Yup, going."**

**"Would't you do that same?"**

**"No. Just no."**

**"I'll make sure you get to be a place in here after you die."  
**

**"You'll die before me when you keep inhaling the corpse-y air."**

**"You don't know what it feels like to lose a part of you."**

**"Oh, trust me, I had lost a part of me when I started working for *whispers* the Caos..."**

**"I thought it was when your wife turned 18."**

**"Oh, you heard?" Li Dian then touches the mummy intimately with an almost sad expression.**

**"I will join you soon..."**

**"Seriously, how did you become Emperor?"**

**"You supported me, remember?"**

**"I lied. It was a big joke with all your other supporters. I never thought Cao Cao would actually listen to me and the others..."**

**"But... this shall not leave this room..." Li Dian holds up the mummy over Sun Quan and begins to beat him down. **

**BZZZZZZZZZZT **

**Li Dian puts the mummy down and goes back to his seat with Sun Quan.**

* * *

**Izuru sees the mummy and says, "That made a loud thud, what's in it?" Takasugi drags it backstage. "Sima Yi."**

**"Ha-ha. What's in it?"**

**"No, Sima Yi." Izuru takes the mummy and yells out,"Can he breathe?! He going to suffocate in carbon dioxide!"**

**"He can produce carbon and needs oxygen?" **

**Izuru pauses for a moment and looks at the mummy.**

**"..."**

**He drops it and walks away.**

**"Wait, you seem so worried!"**

**"That's when I just realized Sima Yi is made of pixels, not carbon."**

**"Can he suffocate in pixels?"**

**"No. He's fine. Send him up to the Moon and he can still breathe."**

* * *

**Zhu Rong says, "50 points for Li Dian for making Cao Pi like a creep. Our next game is Scenes from a Hat. Perform skits according to audience suggestions." She takes out Ma Dai's hat and takes out a ****paper.**

**"If Romance of the Three Kingdoms were written like Game of Thrones." Ma Chao goes up with Sun Quan.**

**"What reward do I deserve for this deed?" Sun Quan pretends to take off clothes and holds his hands to his chest like if he were holding breasts.**

**BZZT**

**Li Dian goes up with Sima Shi.**

**"I risked my great general for my weak spawn. Off with the child's head!" Li Dian pretends to throw something while Sima Shi pretends to swing a weapon downward.**

**BZZT**

**Ma Chao goes with Li Dian on stage. Ma Chao pretends to pour something into an imaginary cup.**

**"Here you go, Dowager Empress He." **

**"Oh, thank you." He drinks out of his imaginary cup and holds his neck as if he were choking.**

**"Gah, gah... Ugh... I've been poisoned... Ugh." He falls on the ground.**

**BZZT **

**Zhu Rong pulls out another piece of paper out of he hat.**

**"Advertisments for weapons for when Koei has run out of ideas."**

**Li Dian runs up and pretends to hold up something.**

**"Our new DLC weapon, where we actually stayed within China, it's the nuclear bomb!"**

**BZZT**

**Sun Quan goes up.**

**"For your pryo, the flamethrower-bazooka-blade!"**

**BZZT**

**Ma Chao goes up.**

**"Hate crowds? Clear them out with the Dragon Tiger Tank Cannon!"**

**BZZT**

**Sima Shi goes up.**

**"Keep things classy with the Purple Dildo Bat!"**

**BZZZZZT**

**"Ways to kill Sima Zhao."**

**Sima Shi goes up and pretends to throw what you assume is an axe.**

**"Whoops. I thought you were a gorilla."**

**BZZT**

**Sun Quan goes up with Li Dian. **

**"I'll let you make the meatbuns."**

**"Yay!" He pretends to do things and makes a boom noise.**

**BZZT**

**Ma Chao goes up with Li Dian. "Hey, Sima Yi."**

**"What?"**

**He pretends to kick Li Dian in the privates and he yelps.**

**"AAAAAHHH!"**

**BZZZT BZZZT**

* * *

**"He's not moving..." Takasugi pokes the duct tape mummy a few times until he decides to pull off a strip of tape. A bundle of hair was stuck onto it.**

**"...He can grow back hair." He continues to peel away more strips to reveal it was a body of beef shaped like a person with a wig.**

**"AAAAAH! Sima Yi turned into a piece of beef! Hmm... I'm hungry..." He eyes the beef while drooling.**

**"I hope Sima Yi tastes good with some garlic and BBQ sauce..."**

* * *

**Zhu Rong announces, "200 points goes to Ma Chao for showing us something we all want to do to Sima Yi. Our last game for today is Dubbing. It's when one of you go off-stage to dub one of the contestants up front here while the other three enact a scene and one of you will be dubbed by the off-stage member. Ma Chao, you will be the dubber and Li Dian will be the person that you will dub. Here's the scene: Sima Shi is a drunken Guo Jia and Li Dian is a perfectly innocent Cai Wenji that is playing the harp while he goes to hit on him in his state. Sun Quan is a stoned Jia Xu that suddenly cockblocks Guo Jia. Go." Sima Shi walks wobbly as Jia Xu wanders to all areas of the stage while Li Dian is pretending to play with a harp.  
**

**"Heeeey, hot stuff.****... Ka-haha... Do you think... Do you think I can... I can.. what was that I can do again?" Li Dian begins to mouth words with Ma Chao's voice coming out feminine.**

"Oh my, you look awful! Do you need a doctor?"

**"We need noooo dooooctors!"**

"So you will be on your way? Where?"

**"Your behind is where I'll be. Hahaha!"**

**"**Master, that is very vulgar! I'm going to leave!" **Li Dian does a hairflip and huffs as he walks away from Sima Shi. **

**"Waaaait, I still need to show my pen-15!" Sun Quan gets in Sima Shi's way and talks slowly.**

**"Hiiiii... Are you an angel...? Because your hair looks really messed up."**

**"Heeey, what'daya think ya doing?"**

**"Shooove it, blondie."**

**"You shove it... pirate-y..."**

"I'm just gonna go..."

**"Waaait, I still have to stick my hand up your dress!"**

**"Leeet 'er go, mon."**

"You two are pigs! I hate you!"

**"I'm... a pig? Om-nom-nom..." Sima Shi pretends to nibble on his hand. **

**"Whooooa, I see bacon..." Sun Quan wanders around while reaching randomly at nothing. **

"They're distracted, but I'm still going to stand here and play this harp." **Li Dian sits down again to pretend to play a harp.**

**BZZZZT**

**Zhu Rong says out, "I have no idea how to rate this. You all get 5 points. Extra 50 points for Sima Shi for saying, "pen-15". And that makes Ma Chao the winner here. Tune in next time, folks!"**

* * *

**Izuru walks on stage to see Takasugi eating a large piece of steak while crying.**

**"Ah-hu-hua... He tastes so goood... Ah-hua-hua..."**

**"What are you...?"  
**

**"I'm eating Sima Yi..."**

**"You can't really eat him. He's not made of flesh, but numbers and dots."**

**"Then I'm just eating a piece of beef?"  
**

**"Yes...?"**

**"Oh thank god, I thought I had to make meatbuns out this meat and give it to Sima Shi."**

**"What happened to him anyway?"**

**"I don't know... Nom... But I can make him come out like I helped Zhang He learn the concept of acting like a woman but thinking like a man." **

**"What?"**

**"Nothing. Siiiima Yiiii, I have some pictures of your wife getting it on with Wang Yiiii! Or Yue Ying depending on who you want to see her doooo."  
**

**"That's not working." Instead, Guo Jia, Cao Pi and Cao Cao came running up to him.**

**"These are not for you! Git!" He kicks away the three away from him. "Also, Cao Cao, you're back!" Cao Cao reaches for his pictures. "Let me see!"**

**"These are not for you, again!"**

**"Why does Sima Yi get to see that? I wanna see his wife and Wang Yi have sex!"**

**"I'm just luring him!"**

**"He's gay!"**

**"You're gay!" Takasugi runs away quickly and trips over something to fall on a kneeling figure.**

**"OW!" **

**"There you are! I thought I ate you." He gets up off the figure to reveal it was Sima Yi. "Nnnrgh, you. I thought I could get out of here, but it turns out I have go through that thing."**

**"Ha! You're staying here until we finish this show! Until then, enjoy the clean air here. Really, you don't want to go to this century's China."**

**"Ugh."**

**"Well, you can go suck my dic-" He holds up a book. "-tionary!" He turns to face the screen, breaking the fourth wall. "What? You thought I was going to say _that? _You pervs." He turns back to Sima Yi. "Now suck my dictionary."**

**"What?"**

**"Suck it!" He forces the dictionary onto Sima Yi's face. "You need it to know more words that mean "idiot!" I'm saving you here!"**

**"Sto-mmh! Stop it!"**

**"Also, how did you get out of the duct tape without making wrinkled up?"  
**

**"Like you said, I have magic. It's the only good thing I got out of losing my sword..."**

**"Can you pull a rabbit out of your hat?"**

**"No. And about those pictures..."**

**"Ha! You DO want to see 'em!"**

**"No! I want to dispose of them since I don't want you having inappropriate photos of my wife. It's very disturbing since she's old enough to be your great grandmother. Maybe even more depending."**

**"Age is but a number."**

**"I'll be taking that." He swipes the photos away from Takasugi. **

**"Hey!" Sima Yi was already gone.**

**"Crap, he is magic." **


End file.
